Meditation 342
A Spiritual Questionnaire
This has been floating around the net for years - but it does impicitly contain a number of good points.
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Dear Friends
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
| __ Newspaper | __ Divine Inspiration | __ National Public Radio |
| __ Bible | __ Dead Sea Scrolls | __ Tabloid |
| __ Torah | __ My Mama Done Tol' Me | __ Burning Shrubbery |
| __ Television | __ Near Death Experience | __Near Life Experience |
| __ Book of Mormon | __ Other (specify): | _______________ |
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex inside marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ Looks after life other than that on Earth
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshiped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Amon Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Martha Stewart
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ Cindy Crawford
__ Elvis
__ A burning shrub
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ I Ching __ Lottery __ Ann Landers __ Fortune cookies __ Dianetics __ Astrology __ Television __ Psychic Friends Network __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Palmistry __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll __ Self-help books __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ Mantras __ EST __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Amway __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ AOL __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D __ Barney Fife __ Wandering around a desert __ None __ Other:_____________________
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know... What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):