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Meditation 842
Advice for Evangelicals:
How to convert agnostics and influence unbelievers

(Mainly aimed at the christian variety, but others may find it useful also.)

by: jackdaw

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Having read several expositions by fundaments [*] and evangelicals, I thought that a few notes on style and presentation would help.  Here I've garnered the outstanding techniques I've seen used by such so that further submissions would receive the acclaim that the truth and such careful attention to detail by the god botherers deserves.  These are presented in the (probably vain) hope that they will improve on the present standard of such submissions from the religious evangelical.  For, as far as I can see, they have all failed in their conversion attempts on us secular folk.

The first thing to remember is that we secular folk are somewhat hard of hearing.  To ensure that we can receive your audio output into our defective systems you will have to shout.  In internet terms this means that you need to type everything in UPPER  CASE, (which is the secular way of saying only use the big letters).  We love to hear you screeching at us, it brings light into our darkness. [#].

The next thing is to forget any grammar that you might have inadvertently picked up on your journey into religious ecstasy.  It's not worth wasting such fine and hard won arts on us, we are obviously too thick to bother about.  Just screech away repetitively.

While you are about it, switch off the spill chucker [*].  Why waste correct spelling on such ignoramuses as us?  You know that we do not need such bourgeois fripperies, they will only detract from your messages.  Besides, you will further realise that we will be unable to refute your proselytisms if we cannot understand them.  This will grant you an easy victory in your fight for whatever entity it is that rocks your boat.

Moreover, do not bother with punctuation or paragraphs.  One wall of text of your deathless prose is far easier to read than a document such as this.  Also remember that theologically speaking, empty spaces are filled by the devil (or shaitan or ahriman) to lead us astray.  And you wouldn't want that, would you?

 (Note that these comments above are not aimed at non native English speakers.  The differences between versions such as 'color' [*] and the correct 'colour' (8^>) are accepted by natives of England.  Aliens should take heed of the general high standards set by the apologist fraternity as outlined above.)

Don't bother to waste effort producing logical arguments.  Instead use simple, repetitive statements and circular reasoning such as “GOD WROTE THE BIBLE THE BIBLE SAYS THAT GOD EXISTS AND WROTE THE BIBLE  AS THE BIBLE SAYS GOD EXISTS HE MUST OF COURSE EXIST  THE BIBLE CANNOT BE WRONG BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN BY GOD”.  By repeating this sort of statement endlessly we will, of course be completely overwhelmed by the power and beauty of your perorations.  How could it be otherwise?

 As the Bellman said, anything you say 3 times is true.  How much truer must it become after 30 repetitions?  Having got to 30, wouldn't 300 or 3,000 be better still?  Your truth is so self evident it needs endless repetitions.

Style is also an important part of your efforts.  For an example of clarity of thought, and convincing prose, see “A Miscellany” 259 for a superb example in the tried and trusted proselytising tradition.  You would do well to model your works on this magnificent piece of prosy.

Don't forget to to urge us to bring your dog [*] into our muscle groups.  Do not concentrate your efforts on the heart alone, after all this pump provides the driving force for our erectile tissues.  As the end of days is expected shortly we will have no need for sexual shenanigans, or bringing children into world for the priesthood to take into hand.  Suggested alternatives are the glutenus maximus or the anal sphincter.

This latter will be needed right up to the very end.  Agreed the profane will only use it for it's secondary use of controlling the disposal of waste, but its primary function of spreading the gospels will be even more important in the chaotic times of the last days.  Which as you know are due RSN. [0]

Do not forget the threats.  These are an extremely important part of the evangelical armoury.  As you know, we secular folk are infantile people, scared of our own shadows, let alone the dark or not knowing everything about anything.  So the threat of burning forever in the lower circles of hell would be most effective in bringing us into line.  It's a proven technique that has worked on infants down the ages.

There is even more evidence available for the existence of hell than in the scriptures.  An Italian fellow called Dante had a tour guided by Virgil, and wrote about his trip.  Incontrovertible evidence includes the words at the entrance “Lasciate ogne sperenza, voi ch'intrate” [1], which should scare us into your congregation when mere persuasion fails.

Emphasise that you know all about how foul and evil we are, and because we refuse to purchase indulgences from your retail outlets, our fate in the fiery furnace is certain.  Do not forget that these technique is also useful for covering up  your own minor transgressions – it is proven to be useful to silence witnesses to, and victims of, your own felonies .  After all, you only do these things because  {fill in name of group that you have robbed/tortured/abused here} [2] need to be bought to the only true faith.

Having terrified we secularists into a state of consternation, you will be able to relieve the tension with the carrot.  This is we that can purchase paradise by joining and supporting your particular cult.  As a result we will be able to spend eternity singing hosanna.  Who could imagine a better way of using an aeon or five, or even infinity?

Even such magnificent intellects as the evangelicals can make mistakes.  When one is pointed out to you, don't forget the reason for your oversight.  It's all the fault of women (scapegoats are passe).  Nothing went right after eve was introduced into the garden of eden.  When the witch that evilly ensorcelled you has been discovered, make sure that she is duly cremated alive on a bonfire as mandated.  This will give us much pause for thought, especially if you record the punishment, and display it on YouTube for our edification.

You must also quote some famous, life long atheist who converted to your  point of view.  Such infamous ignoramuses as Einstein, Feymann, Gell-Man and Sir Stephen Hawking from the field of physics spring to mind.  That the first three didn't actually write about their conversion is a historic accident, and therefore can safely be ignored.  If you had been available to instruct them, they would certainly have had to agree with your superior intellect.

It is sadly the work of stan [*] (or shitan [*] or 'arry man [*]) that it didn't come to pass, but the greater truth must replace mere facts.  The pious fraud is a well known technique, hallowed by much use, and all denominations agree that it receives absolution in the hereafter.  (You will not need to purchase an indulgence beforehand, either.  If you manage to convert some of us, you probably will not need to confess afterwards, so it's a win-win situation.)

Luckily, Sir Stephen has only recently resigned his professorship at Cambridge University and is still alive, so you still have the opportunity to put him right on his misconceptions.   Newton's successor must be particularly susceptible to your blandishments!  Go for it!

Next, make sure that you display your erudition by quoting some unassailable truth from your holy book.  For instance:-

Psalms 93:1   The LORD reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the LORD is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself: the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved.

This can be used to show that every physicist (such as those four above), meteorologist and astronomer must be completely wrong about the so-called universe.  The sky is a firmament and god has to open the windows in it to let the rain fall.  (This must also be true,  it is in the bible as well).  Further:-

1 Samuel  2:8 He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth up the beggar from the dunghill, to set them among princes, and to make them inherit the throne of glory: for the pillars of the earth are the LORD's, and he hath set the world upon them.

The world cannot move as it wasn't built like that by god as proved above.  It is definitely fixed down.  Having disposed of the main planks of so-called scientific theory (remember theories are dreamt up after drunken night on the tiles spent with harlots and witches), it is obvious that purported places such as America, Brazil and Canada cannot possibly exist. Obviously, you would hit the bottom of the firmament or fall off the edge long before you got to such legendary realms.

With this sort of devastating evidence available to you, you are in a position to also demonstrate that other silly theories such as quantum mechanics and evolution cannot be true.  Why, if quantum theory were true, we would be able to build machines to communicate over long distances, with pictures and sounds being transmitted as fast as can be.  We could even built computing machines – as if such things could come to be without fod's [*] sanction!  There is no prediction of such things in the sacred books, so they must be an impossibility.

And as for evolution, humans wouldn't have the vestigial remainders of such things as the end of the ruminant stomach (see the appendix to this document for more information) [#]  and tails as they were made by a perfect being in it's own image.   Further, as men were made in this image, they could not possibly have nipples – these are female bits - let alone some ridiculous appendages between the legs.  What possible use would a solitary non sexual entity have for such items?  The  evangelical can therefore dismiss the rest of science, such as evolution, without any possibility of being refuted.  The facts speak for themselves.

Having successfully bought us sorry creatures into your flock, do not forget to instruct us how to avoid back sliding.  To this end we must attend top up indoctrination sessions in your retail outlets or supermarkets with important officers from your cult (the only true one remember, all the others are heretical and consigned to eternal damnation).  At these sessions we will be reminded how to avoid being consigned to the depths of the inferno.

Two requirements will have to be emphasised.  Attendance at these sessions is mandated by the book.  Said scriptures must have had part removed by some devilish and fiendish machinations, for the extremely important instructions for the end of the service are completely missing.  We have to approach hod's [*] representative and open our wallet or purse, and incant the  following entreaty - “Please Help Yourself”.

We will be left say 10% of our earnings to squander on such fripperies as food and clothes for the kids, housing and other temporary temporal concerns.  This is called tithing as yod [*] needs much cash.  Poor old sod [*] is exhausted from watching us, and has nothing to spare for creating an extra ton or two of gold, or the odd large oilfield, to finance his ministries.  (Those witches from Eve on have a lot to answer for.)

Emphasise the generosity of this - Isn't our ever loving kod [*] gracious to allow us to keep that much of our earnings or pensions?  And we can also delight in the use that our donations are put to, keeping such important and useful people such as lod's [*] representatives in modest comfort in their small palaces, and maintaining their bullet proof transport. These things are some small recompense for their untiring efforts at putting right the mess Eve left.

Of course the local retail outlets (chapels, churches, mosques, and that ilk) and major supermarkets (cathedrals, temples, monasterys and such) need upkeep too.  Other expensive to run places include schools and seminaries, where the evangelical can gain hands on experience in the ways to deal with our children.

Highlight the seriousness of your instructions.  Study of the holey books show that pod [*] is anything but a jovial entity.  Whilst one short verse has one third of him crying, and many others mention abhoring and smiting, there are none that refers to smiling, let alone laughing.  This is underlined by the punishment meted  out to some children for mocking a bald prophet.  [3]  A salutary tale to bring to the attention of secular humorists such as those that suggested papal branded condoms. [4]

One thing that the god botherers, er evangelicals here seem to miss out on is the problem of “moral relativism”  It appears that we secular folk suffer from this terrible affliction.  You should really emphasise the benefits of moral absolutes.  After all, they lead to such glorious events as the Omagh bombing, Thugees, and the demolition of the Twin Towers.  They also lead to such organisations as the Inquisition, noted for their justice and mercy built upon a true appreciation of the wishes of mod. [*]

Even further, it will lead us to the wonderful concepts of “crusade” or jihad, where we can bring jod's reality to the attention of unbelievers at the point of a sword or from the business end of a missile from an aircraft or submarine.  (Incidentally, this is probably the most effective recruitment technique of all, and is recommended for use on the unarmed or weakly armed especially.)  Alternatives include car bombs and other improvised weaponry. [5]

Whilst on the subject of the seekers of truth and penitence, the Inquisition and Witchfinders General, do not forget to laud their contributions to technology, the iron maiden, the rack, and the retractable needle for testing lucifer's servants [*].  Note their contributions to jurisprudence, where the sensible cost savings of the same organisation being prosecutor, defence, and judge obviates the need for juries and over much paperwork.  The defendants property can be quickly and efficiently transferred to jod's [*] account before the verdict and sentence showing that you are serious about looking after the loot, er finances.

Penultimately, if the overwhelming strength of your presentation fails to convince us, do not forget to remind your god about this failing on our part.    And in the same manner as the class sneak in the first years of infants school [6] would expect gold stars in their conduct book from teacher, you can look forward to a similar reward from your deity.  I understand you get a dress circle seat to watch us burning in the everlasting flames.  I also understand that the evangelical call this “preying” [*] and it's done on your knees and your neighbours.

Finally, whatever you do, don't bother to proof  read your submission.  [note * ->] Being a poor speller (dyslexia was yet to be invented when I was at school) I have carefully spell checked this document.  [note # ->] I have also re-read this document several times to avoid mixed metaphors and ensure it says exactly what I mean it to say.  (No doubt, a couple of errors may remain.)

You have no need for such detailed and tedious literary efforts.  After all, you've got rod [*] on your side.



[0]  Real soon now - computerese for immanent or the modern “whenever”.  It means don't hold your breath.

[1]  Abandon hope all ye who enter here

[2]  Suggestions are Eve, women in general, atheists, the devil, homosexuals etc.  These have been used by the highest authorities to justify or explain the strange actions of yod's reprehensibles, er representatives.

[3]  2 Kings 2:23-24

[4]  A suggestion from the British Foreign Office.  (First time ever they've shown a sense of humour.  A sign of the end of days, perhaps?)

[5]  Google Jasenovac for a recent (within my lifetime) example of this technique.

[6]  Grades 1 and 2 for the imaginary (see above) folk in the western continent that cannot exist.  I think the grades are a correct translation from real English. ;-)