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Meditation 848
Goodbye To You

by: VLL

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Goodbye To You

Goodbye to you
Isn’t that an 80s song?
Well, it works for what I have to say…
Goodbye god, jesus, holy spirit
I don’t much miss you and don’t think I will in the future

Goodbye to my fantasy of life having a bigger meaning
Of having a “higher calling” or purpose
Of being created in your image
Of fairness in life and things working out for good according to them that love god
Of the idea of being saved for eternity
Of going to heaven and seeing my loved ones after I die
Of the emotional highs and lows
Of the uncertainty of being “saved”
Of the feeling of community due to my beliefs
Of the common bond I had with family, friends, others
Goodbye security blanket
It’s high time I grew up

A long ago goodbye to Sundays corralled in church with the other sheep
Wednesday nights and youth group and camp and Stephen’s Ministry
Guilt over normal human functions
Feeling that I never measured up
Knowing the deck was stacked, by trying anyway
Being terrified that I’d be left behind

So, I won’t be here for you anymore
Because you weren’t really there for me
You broke my heart with your empty words and meaningless promises
They now languish between black, dusty covers – sandwiching the thin paper accentuated with highlighter ink and margin notes
Your retainers told me about you and how much you loved me
My sweet loving father, husband and lover
If only I’d bow to your will and let you love me
But that wasn’t what you really wanted
Worship is submission
Why should I submit?
Why should I allow myself to be assimilated?
I am whole on my own

I never really knew you at all
You were just inside my head, in my society, in my upbringing
You’re a fiction, a myth, a composite of gods and deities
I should have seen through you much sooner
considering how very invisible, unfindable and unreal you are
But now I know, I search, I want real truths
Not pat answers or platitudes based on one ancient book said to be holy

And I am declaring this now, formally
I’m severing the ties to you and yours with a sword of knowledge
this sword is sharp and bright and truly illuminating
Knowledge that can change with each new discovery
That is the path towards truth
Not things that can’t be questioned
that is stagnant, dead

You were the narcissistic, mad, bad and dangerous to know lover
The one I thought loved me, but you didn’t
You weren’t interested in me
or what I thought
What I brought to the relationship
You were the one who determined the rules, the abusive spouse
Backed up by a book and traditions and lies
Backed up again by pastors, ministers, priests, counselors, friends, family

And I took it all in, silently
and thought it was my own fault
It wasn’t

I don’t believe I’m a sinner (just for being born)
I don’t even believe in the concept of sin
I don’t believe in a soul, or heaven or hell
I don’t believe you were or are real
I don’t believe the bible is your inspired word

And I’m finally not afraid
So what if I don’t know the answers or what the future holds?
I never did (and neither does anyone else)
I just thought I had a safety net

I finally know real peace and responsibility
In the reality that I live every day
And so I’m walking away, further every day
You and your influences fade and fade and fade and fade
And, to use another 80s song
I ain’t missin’ you at all…

VLL – 2/23/10